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I'm · Unconsoled · I'm · Lonely
I am so much better than I used to be
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Hey guys. So, turns out heytheredorothy has run it's course. Dorothy is a long time gone. But being her was fun for the time, and I've chronicled quite a few things in this journal, and for that reason I won't be deleting it. Just moving on. My new journal is... ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) theseekwill
If you want to read. Add me. It'll be an interesting mix of things there. Thanks y'all. |
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So little time left. The last few days have been absolutly stunning. Too bad I had to waste one of them in Guelph with my aunt, uncle, and grandparents. They really are terrible people. I really don't like them. I mean, I'm a big advocate of the you-can-hate-what-you-family-does-but-de ep-down-you-still-love-them theory, but these people... they are not deserving of my respect or love. I don't have to energy or time to try to love them. They have never put anything of value into my life. The only thing they've tried to teach me is hate and I'm done with them. Done. I am going to miss my people here more than life. More than I thought possible. I didn't realize how close I would get to people here, how attached I would become. They are so grounding... and they like me. They want to be my friend and the concept is still a little mindblowing. It was so rare before. But now it happens. Now I'm okay. And next year I'll be here for good. I'll have a place, and maybe a job or something. A stove to make dinner and a tall bookshelf for my growing collection! I can't help it if I buy books faster than I can read them! The U of T bookstore has great sales. Anyway. I should start studying for my Sociology exam... I'm so tired though, but, it's in a week, I should get on it. German too. And Drama 100 is tomorrow. I seriously need to know if I got into DRM 300 or not. If not, I'm pretty much effed for next year. Oi vey. |
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"You're a real actress, girl. Come here. Sit down. We don't need to work, sit down. I worry about you, because you don't ask for a lot of, or any, attention. When i found out about your brother I realized why. No, not worry. I'm not worried about you. I'm surprised you're the actress you are without asking for attention. You're good Victoria. Really, really good." She was the very first person to ever tell me that. |
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Today is such a beautiful, beautiful day. It's about 5.C right now but it feels warmer. It's sunny and I've moved my reading chair right beside the window and opened the window up as wide as it can go. It makes it a little crowded but it's really beautiful. Right now I'm listening to "Afghanada" on CBC Radio, which is actually pretty excellent. Despite the beautiful day, I have a sinking feeling in my stomache as if something terrible is going to happen. |
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It is such a beautiful day. Really, walking outside today is totally energizing. Really makes you feel good. Or it makes me feel good anyhow. I can see out my window into the financial district, and if I opened it and leaned out I could see the CN Tower, but I don't want to open it. Still a bit chilly.
I went down to the CBC building and the Globe and Mailto observe. It was nice. And I bought a teeshirt with David Suzuki on it. Gold. |
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Update? Why yes. Today I had dinner alone at a Mediterranean restaurant on Harboard. There was no one else in the restaurant. So I sat and ate my tortellini at my table for one and read a book, occasionally looked out the window, listened to the banter of the waiters and cooks in the background. Simple enough but lovely. I'm not quite sure what I expected my life to be at this point but I think I'm doing alright. I have very few issues. Other than the single gentlemen I'd like to have my way with, or vice versa really, is absolutely clueless. This week we are our assigned our final scenes for the year. Judith Thompson. That is all. |
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I think I've almost abandoned this.
There are times I want to write but it feels like this isn't the place, you know? Weird. Anyway. Home in two days. Going to the Academy tomorrow night with my new sweater... and some people too, I guess.
I'm going to miss it here a lot. |
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Five minutes until I have to leave to go do the big
scene study. I'm excited and all kinds of nervous but I'm ready.
I'm gold. This whole place is gold.
This city is dirty but the people I know
fabulous.
Fabulous beautiful people.
Teradactyls, pain cake, and sleepovers in sociology.
Switzerland, late nights, and Varsity Theatre.
Brecht, Borat, and everyone in between.
This place is golden to me.
This is what I was waiting for. |
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Perhaps I should post something
less emo.
Perhaps I should post.
I don't know.
I hope evryone back in NS is well.
I should be home in about a month.
I'm doing well.
Angels in America scene study soon,
I'm Harper.
I like it. I like... this.
Done. |
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Lonely's the kind of feeling that
scratches at the back of your thoat and
catches you time and time again.
It's the oddest feeling in the whole world.
I'm bad at people.
On Thursday I didn't speak to anyone all day except for my mom on the phone. |
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This week I recieved the first letter that wasn't from my mom.
Thanks Chelsea! Expect one back soon.
A confession: university wasn't all I thought it was going to be. For one, I do nothing on the weekends unless it's by myself. I don't really have too many friends. I talk to a few of the girls on my floor, and I like them, but this whole residence as a community concept isn't really working for me. However, I never want to live in NS for an extended period ever again. I'm not antsy here. I don't want to run away like I do there. And for once in my life, I'm not playing mom. I'm not a big city girl. I'm a small town girl who lives in a big city, and for me it's right. Right now. |
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Yesterday while Zach and I
were at the Tim Horton's at
Bloor and Bedford,
I looked to my left
and there was George Elliot Clarke.
I knew he taught at U of T
but still,
seeing him was shocking,
and lovely.
German midterm Tuesday.
Ich bin hoffnungslos. Es ist nicht eine lacht Sache.
Christoph wollt mit fehlschlagen. Ich bin lugen.
I am fully aware most of that made little sense. |
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Inadequete.
Not all I have to do is work harder.
Ken is too damn polite. I wish he would say "This is exactly what needs work."
I think I'll email him or look up his office hours. I need to get some things worked out.
I need to know if this is worth it.
It is. I know it is. I can learn.
I need to not panic.
peh ah enn ee ceh
Panic.
And learn German. |
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I hate residence.
I hate Trinity college.
I am not learning, or geting anything out of this experience,
other than that I hate this place.
I'd move out now if I could.
I'm e-mailing the Dean to express my massive amounts of unamusment towards last nights events.
Have a good day. |
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Toronto is right.
It feels right.
I think I need to be here right now.
I love my classes and my teachers
and the people in my class are
incredible.
I love them, very, very much.
I like this...
Starting over. |
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Ken said "Good," to me twice today. Like, at me. Directed at me. It was thrilling.
Ohmigawd. Zach, you better follow through. |
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So, I was super excited because tonight is Grey's Anatomy night and tonight is the premier. I finally worked up the nerve to go to the room with the tv which is a few floors up. When I get there there's no one there so I think "awesome, not so bad" and go to turn on the tv... and it doesn't turn on. It's plugged in, but wont turn on. The other tv room is locked. So pretty much I wont be seeing Grey's.
I haaaattttteeeeeeeee Trinity. I want to punch it in the face. |
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An apology for yesterday's outburst.
I was very upset with U of T.
But now, for the week at least, I am in German. My instructor is intimidatingly attractive. Like, it's uncomfortable to talk to him because I get flushed. Silly. I'll get used to him. But I'm killing the German right now, ecspecially since I'm teaching myself. Consider the basics of the German language throughly owned. By me.
I'm going to learn this. I know I will.
Auf Wiedersehen! |
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Damn. Damn damn damn.
Damn universitys and their prerequisites. I'm so effed over.
I need to change out my science and do German
if I want to do my German major but it's been a week already
and I'm afraid it'll be too late. Damn.
Why can't I have just ONE major and a minor.
Damn you U of T.
Damn.
On the other hand Drama with Ken was bitching. |
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Alright, for my movement class we have to do a "self portrait." I think it's very hard to judge yourself and make an accurate picture of who you are. SO, I am asking all of you to comment anonymously with things you have thought about me, or things you have said about me. I'm not fishing for compliments here. This isn't "say something nice about me and I'll do the same for you" this is "be honest." It doesn't have to be good, or bad, or scandelous, it just needs to be honest, h'alright? Thanks. So last night just as I was getting to sleep at 1:15am, I hear this mass scream from somewhere inside my res and all of a sudden there are people screaming in the stairwells, then there are like ten people banging on the doors in our hallway screaming "Sub-Kirk (my floor)! GET UP! MIDNIGHT RUN!" At this point I was like "You've got to be fucking kidding me." They were not. They banged on our doors and screamed for about ten minutes until I think a few girls went. I stayed in bed. I was not amused... at all. Then a bunch of girls sat in the hall way and talked loudly until 2:30. I fell asleep at three. I am cranky. And still, not amused. |
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